so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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