okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
