just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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