Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
