hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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