Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
