I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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