what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize