during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
