Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
