He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
