She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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