i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
