I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
