He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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