I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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