I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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