from now on my penis is your penis
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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