I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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