get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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