It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
