I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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