Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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