Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
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