I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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