Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
