sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
She's JV to your varsity
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
