I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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