My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
