if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
