I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
