I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
