Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
