No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
