somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
