if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
found the other keg... it's in the tree
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
