he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize