I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
