I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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