one word: firstdatebathroomanal
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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