just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize