She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
