If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
