why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
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