best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
how drunk are you?
Several
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
