a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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