imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
