I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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