It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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