this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Randomize
