I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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