It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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