What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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