Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
