he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
