never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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