I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
