going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
