3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She's like a pop up book from hell.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
