you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You left your phone here
Wait...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
