I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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