Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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