well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
